Six Things New Caregivers Need to Know
Shelley and Keith Hardeman
by Keith T. Hardeman
While a cancer fight is hardest on the patient, caregivers suffer too. The stress of caregiving can be emotionally exhausting and often leads to burnout. Sadly, a catastrophe like cancer sometimes breaks couples apart. Don’t let that happen. Instead, be your partner’s rock of support.
Since I’ve experienced quite a bit through providing extended care for my wife, I wish to assist others by sharing a few coping tricks of the caregiving trade.
Accept the overwhelm you feel at the outset
Neither of you signed up for any of what’s about to take place. If the cancer is advanced and chemotherapy is involved, there’s a good chance you’re both going to suffer immensely in your respective roles. It’s important for you to openly talk, empathize, and listen to each other.
Though it may take time, there will come a point when you’re no longer mired in crisis mode. You’ll resign yourselves to the fact that you’re confined within cancer prison. No matter how much you don’t want to be there. No matter how unhappy it makes you. Your “new normal” will be a difficult one.
But acceptance of reality will slowly evolve into its becoming predictable and manageable. You’ll come to understand more about cancer, crisis communication, and coping strategies than you ever thought possible.
When people say awkward things, forgive them, for they’re trying their best
A few friends will struggle with their responding messages to the diagnosis news. Sometimes their “solution” is imploring you to just stay positive about a disease that realistically could claim your partner’s life.
No question, the positivity-pushers mean well. But when it comes to cancer reality, they don’t get it. They’ll seem rather tone-deaf as they unintentionally dismiss the hardships of your cancer world.
Instead of focusing on their word choice, try to “hear” what they are trying to say: They care about you, they hurt for you, and they want to help. (Of course, it would be far better if they’d just say it that way in the first place.)
If that doesn’t work, remind the persistent ones to instead listen. Tell them – repeatedly, as needed – there’s nothing good about cancer, and you’re coping as best you can.
But however awkwardly they may talk about your partner’s cancer, do remember this: They care deeply about your well-being. And that in itself is never wrong.
You’ll come to understand more about cancer, crisis communication, and coping strategies than you ever thought possible.
Don’t hesitate to ask for help
Seeking help is not an admission of defeat or failure. Your physical and emotional health may require a little extra life space on days when professional and caregiving responsibilities clash.
Successful coping means that, in spite of all your duties, you’ll still need to invest time for adequate sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Falling short in these areas will only exacerbate the stress you’re already experiencing. You can’t take care of your significant other if you don’t take care of yourself.
The American Cancer Society and Coping’s Cancer Survivors Guide are great resources for information, coping suggestions, or finding a local support group. But now, more than ever, is the time to lean on your friends.
Make lists of things that need to be done, and share them. Many of our contacts were bursting at the seams to help us. They brought prepared meals. They gave us rides and picked up groceries and pharmaceuticals. They provided snow removal and helped with yard upkeep. They listened tirelessly and consoled us. Even at 3:15 a.m. They never let us feel alone.
If there’s a setback, wait until you’re ready to talk before alerting others
Bad news updates will be difficult for friends and family to hear.
During our long course of treatment, we were deflated by a couple of discouraging test results. When we phoned a few loved ones immediately afterward, some reacted with almost inconsolable despair, which further dampened our morale. We were thrust into an unwanted role of placating others when it was my wife and me who most needed comforting at that moment.
Obviously, handle this as you see fit. But consider setting boundaries when it comes to the promptness of updating others. In spite of their anticipation, I would suggest not disclosing news of a setback until you’ve had adequate time to process it and get past the initial jolt. (And you’re not obligated to respond to calls or texts from them before you’re ready, either.)
Consider taking a day or two to let the shock factor wear off some. You may be a bit more prepared to cope with others’ somber responses as a result. In retrospect, I certainly wish we had done it that way.
treatment, survivor Shelley
Hardeman found something to
laugh about while reading a
long list of dad jokes on social
media.
When possible, try to maintain a sense of humor
There’s nothing funny about cancer. But there still are spontaneous occasions in and out of the cancer world when everyday life offers unexpected levity. Even if you’re not feeling all that well, appreciate comical moments for what they are.
Laughing makes us feel good, and it can help as a coping strategy. If something funny does happen, don’t pass on the opportunity to really laugh.
After posting about a depressing pathology report, I asked our social media friends to respond only with dad jokes instead of condolences. They obliged, and for a while we read and laughed (often hysterically) with each silly punchline. This simple escape, however momentary, made a real difference in uplifting our spirits.
Just roll with the positives and the negatives of cancer treatment
It’s unhealthy to spend the majority of waking hours stressing about whether or not your partner will reach remission and ultimately survive. I did exactly that for the first several weeks.
Obsessing does nothing but raise your anxiety level. So the sooner you can stop, the better.
Seeking help is not an admission of defeat or failure.
Even in some best-case scenarios, treatment can be a marathon that’s often two steps forward and one back. Sometimes you’ll receive news that fuels optimism. By all means, celebrate those good days. But keep it measured. Don’t lose your awareness that things can still go south.
Therefore, I can’t overstate the need to maintain an even-keeled perspective during cancer’s emotional ups and downs. If a bad day or week does occur, try not to panic. There’s reasonable hope that it’s only temporary.
In closing, I found caregiving to be a harsh expenditure of time, energy, and emotion. Of course I lovingly carried out every single task for my wife. She’d do the same for me if the roles were reversed.
But I’ll also add this: I could never imagine the courage and grace she somehow found. After three decades of knowing and loving her, I still learned new, incredible things about her throughout every day of this ordeal.
Suffice to say, there will always be room in your spousal-caregiver role for being awestruck.
Keith T. Hardeman has authored two books on the cancer experience: Don’t say “Everything Happens for a Reason” and The Shadow of Trepidation: Reflections on Caregiving during my Wife’s Battle with Breast Cancer. He is professor emeritus at Westminster College and former faculty member at the University of Northern Iowa. His wife Shelley, a breast cancer survivor, is currently in remission.
