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What Do I Tell My Kids?

Talking to Your Children about Cancer

by Kathleen McCue, MA, LSW, CCLS

One of the first things a parent thinks about when diagnosed with cancer is “What do I tell my kids?” Every family is unique, and parents are the best people to decide the amount and timing of information. But remember, children are very sensitive to changes and may worry if you delay providing them with an explanation.

How You Can Help
Tell children honestly, in familiar language, what is happening and how they will be affected. Use the word “cancer.” This will help children understand the difference between your illness and other illnesses that they or their friends may have. Ask open-ended questions. When you ask kids how they are, they will probably say “fine.” But when you ask, “How much do you think about Mom’s cancer?” or “What have your friends at school said about Dad?” you will get a much more complete answer.

Reassure children that they did not cause their parent’s cancer, and they cannot catch it. Don’t wait for children to ask these questions. They are such common worries that it is important to introduce these issues early. Maintain a home life that is as consistent and stable as you can for the children. Keep rules, caregivers, schedules, and activities as close to usual as possible. Use a large family calendar to keep track of everyone’s upcoming events. It is always best for children if you continue to expect completed chores, good schoolwork, and appropriate behavior.

Show your feelings and encourage your children to identify and express their own. Learning to recognize emotions, especially difficult ones, is a critical task of childhood. That doesn’t mean falling apart in front of your children, but it does mean letting them see your frustration or sadness on occasion. Like you, they will learn how to express such feelings in adaptive ways and cope positively with them.

Try to end each discussion with something positive.

Offer information regularly, and provide it at the appropriate level for your child’s development. Children do better with little bits of information at a time. Don’t try to tell them your entire treatment plan, or speculate on possible outcomes. Tell them about the surgery a few days before it is planned, but not about the radiation therapy until the surgery is over. If they ask questions, try to grasp what they are thinking or feeling before you answer. You might say, “That’s a really good question, and I’ll answer it. But what made you think about that?” Some children want to know a lot, and some don’t. Respect those differences. When you do provide information, try to end each discussion with something positive, or a statement about how your family intends to cope.

Allow others to help. Watch your child for signs of stress, and reach out to teachers, ministers, social workers, and nurses if you have concerns. Problems at school or with friends, or other changes in behavior, can usually be addressed easily, if you do it early. Remember, children have ups and downs just like adults, and an emerging issue might have nothing to do with your cancer.

The Hardest Question
About half of all children ask the one question that parents dread most: “Are you going to die?” Be prepared for it, but do not introduce this topic unless your child brings it up. If he or she does ask, the best answer is both honest and hopeful. It is okay to say we all die sometime, and nobody knows when. However, this is the time to reassure your child that you and the doctors are working very hard to make you well. Let your child know that you will always be honest with him or her about such things, but right now you expect to live and care for them until they are grown. If your religion or faith is an important part of your coping, this is a great time to include that in your discussion.

Children Can Thrive Through a Parent’s Cancer
Parents want their children to have a happy childhood with no crises, but when a challenge comes along, it is an opportunity for children to gain strength and resilience. With open and honest communication and the proper support, a parent’s cancer can result in new knowledge and new coping skills for children.

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