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Facing Breast Cancer Together

A Couple’s Guide

by Susan Hedlund, MSW, LCSW

The diagnosis of cancer is a life crisis for anyone who hears those words: “you’ve got cancer.” The impact, however, extends beyond the person receiving the news. For couples, there is a profound impact. The challenges that come with a cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery can be difficult and long lasting. Still, most couples can and do get through the experience, and some report a renewed sense of closeness afterwards.

Most couples establish ways of being together and communicating under optimal circumstances. Life crises, such as a cancer diagnosis, can disrupt and change everything, even for the healthiest of couples. Understanding one another’s perspective and learning new ways to communicate can help a couple through the cancer experience and strengthen the relationship for the future.

For the person who has cancer, and specifically for the woman with breast cancer, life changes immediately and dramatically. Initially, she may fear for her survival: Will I survive? Can I tolerate treatment? What will life look like on the other side of treatment? How will this change me? For her partner, feelings of helplessness, fear, sadness, and frustration may exist.

The basic differences between men and women may also prove challenging as couples navigate the cancer experience. In general (and this may not be typical of all men and women), men are more connected to facts, want to “do” something, and want to take care of the people they love, especially their wives and families. When a man is unable to protect the woman he loves from cancer, he often feels helpless, frightened, and sad. He may feel his job is to “fix” or cheer up his partner, while his partner may long simply to be heard and to be supported.

On the other hand, most women are focused on connection with others and the experience of emotion. When her partner is silent, or attempts to “fix” what cannot be fixed, she may feel even more alone and misunderstood. Again, cancer strains even the healthiest of relationships. It is important to maintain faith in your relationship and in each other and to allow for some less-than-perfect moments.

The basic differences between men and women may also prove challenging as couples navigate the cancer experience.

Jan Latona and Gray Stricklin suggest in the book Love is a Journey: Couples Facing Cancer that the following tools can help couples navigate the intense emotions and challenges that accompany the cancer experience:

• Acceptance of one another’s reactions
• Awareness of differences of style
• Self care for both people
• Reshaping the relationship to fit the situation
• Open, honest dialogue with yourself (and each other)
• Seeking and receiving support
• Spirituality
• Laughter – cancer is not funny, but life is, and laughter can help us through the greatest of difficulties.

Dealing with cancer is like being on a roller coaster. For couples dealing with other stressors, cancer may magnify previous problems while adding additional stress. Couples may consider seeking the assistance of a counselor or other cancer professional to improve communication and find ways to cope effectively with the cancer experience. Drawing on the support of family and friends, or other couples facing cancer, can also be helpful.

Cancer can be a difficult and challenging experience for most couples. However, it is not insurmountable. Most couples can (and do) find ways to survive and cope with the changes that cancer may bring. Some couples acknowledge that life can eventually change for the better, that they feel closer, communicate more effectively, and have their priorities more clearly defined because of the experience. These changes, however, may not come all at once. Be patient with yourself, and with each other. And seek help as needed to get through the experience.

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